A Range of Emotions
by candi711
Summary: Olivia was not expecting that phone call, nor could she have anticipated the rollercoaster of emotions that would follow.
1. Worry

**A/N: It's been awhile since I last posted a story, mostly because school became so overwhelming that I hardly had time to think about doing anything else, but for the moment I am on spring break and writing again :)**

 **This story takes place during Gambler's Fallacy in season 15. I got the idea after watching the episode again and recognizing the moment when Olivia found out about Amanda's operation. I then wondered what must have been going through her mind, and thus this story was made :) this will follow the general flow of the episode but it will become more AU as the story progresses. As of this moment, it should be a short 3-shot.**

The day was like any other for the Sergeant of the Manhattan Borough of SVU. Olivia sat in her office working on the seemingly never ending stacks of paperwork that appeared on her desk every morning. The brunette would be lying is she said that she didn't miss having Cragen in this office. The way he seemed to always have a handle on all of his detectives. He could be strict yet approachable. A skill she herself had yet to master.

As Olivia was thinking this her gaze shifted out her window and into the squad room. None of her detectives were at their desks. She knew Nick and Fin would at least be in the building, but Amanda was out sick again. "If there's one person I need to work on with being strict and understanding it's her," Olivia said aloud to herself. The brunette was well aware that she and the younger woman got off to the wrong start and she blamed herself for that, but she also blamed Amanda for being hard headed and insubordinate at nearly every opportunity.

A sudden phone call pulled Olivia from her thoughts, "Benson" she answered professionally.

"Yes, Sergeant, this is Captain Davis from Vice" a deep voice said over the phone. Olivia sat up straighter in her chair. She wasn't expecting to have a call from Vice, from the Captain himself no less, and the fact that it was a Captain calling her told her this was something that was important.

"Captain" Olivia responded politely "to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"There's no pleasure in this call, unfortunately," Davis' said with disappointment. These were all the words Olivia needed to hear to know that this was indeed a serious matter. "I am here to inform you that I will be temporarily taking command over detective Rollins from your unit"

"Rollins?" Olivia interrupted with surprise "why would you be taking her?" she questioned, a million thoughts racing through her head.

"I can't go into much detail, but detective Rollins is in a unique situation to help one of my undercover officers bring down several high profile targets, targets that we have been chasing for months" the Vice Captain explained

"But sir, does it have to be Rollins, my unit is extremely understaffed at the moment. I don't think we can spare her..." she was cut off before she could finish her statement

"There is no negotiation here, Sergeant," the Captain said reminding Olivia of her subordinate stance "everything is in motion with 1PP and your detective is already in play out in the field."

Olivia sighed. She was angry for having no power in this situation. Amanda was her detective, she should have been given a heads up before any of this happened and not being notified after the fact, but she also realized that she had no choice, "Very well, goodbye".

After hanging up the phone Olivia looked down at her desk. "Amanda, what did you get yourself wrapped up in?" she questioned. She couldn't help but worry and think about the variety of situation her youngest detective may be placed in while being undercover.

Olivia wasn't given much time to process the new information before a knock at the door interrupts her thoughts. The brunette looked up in time to see Fin and Amaro enter the office. "Liv, we need to talk," Fin said with a serious tone. The Sergeant simply nodded her head and indicated for them to shut the door. After the phone call she just had, she didn't want any more bad news but it looked like she would be getting some anyway.

"What is it, a case?" Olivia asked. A case she could handle, a personal bombshell, at that moment, not so much.

"No, it's about Rollins" Fin answered "you know how she's been out sick for the past few days..." he paused to give Amaro a look "well, we dropped by her place last night with some soup but she wasn't there"

"We traced her phone to an old warehouse" Nick interrupted as he took a step forward.

"You traced her cell phone?" Olivia repeated surprised at their actions. What they did, going behind her back, was against protocol and could get them in big trouble with 1PP.

"Yes" Nick answered quickly as if what they did didn't matter "and we found her talking to some guy that looked Irish mob... I think she's gambling again"

Olivia took a deep breath. Everything made sense to her now. Amanda was caught gambling and somehow ended up with a UC. It sufficed to say that Olivia was furious at that moment, but she didn't show it. Amanda had been lying to them all for who knows how long, giving in to her impulsive desires instead of coming to one of them. Now it seems that her actions had caught up with her. Olivia's face remained blank as she told them to drop the issue. Nick gave some pushback, but all Olivia had to do was bring up Maria and soon he was storming out of the room.

Once the door was shut, Olivia went about closing the blinds. She needed some privacy to digest all that just happened. "Dammit, Amanda" Olivia grunted as she began to pace the room. She was angry still but she needed to put that aside. She needed to do everything in her power to keep the younger woman safe. Olivia roughly sat back into her chair "now I have to keep those two off of her tracks so they don't end up killing her and that UC cop. I'm not going to be getting any sleep until this is all over, that I know for sure".

The next day came and went without anything major occurring. Amanda returned to work and even offered to do a double shift to make up for slacking off the last few days. Olivia didn't hesitate to allow it in case it had anything to do with her UC operation. At the same time, however, Olivia couldn't bare to look at Amanda. For the moment she was over the anger, It was the worry that was hurting the elder woman now.

Olivia hated being left in the dark. She hated not knowing what exactly Amanda was doing in this UC operation. The elder woman didn't trust Vice enough to truly take care of her detective, not like she would take care of her own people in the field. It was this unknowing that caused the near-constant storm of anxiety to fill Olivia's head, creating images of the worst possible scenarios to frequently appear before her eyes.

* * *

Olivia worked hard to get herself back into a stoic mindset in regards to Amanda's situation, and she stayed that way until Fin and Amaro brought her information that she couldn't ignore. The two men solemnly came into her office, as if the weight of the world rested on their shoulders. "Liv, we gotta talk. It's about Manda" Fin stated as Amaro shut the door.

"I thought I told you two to drop this" Olivia said sternly, angry that they disobeyed her and possibly risked Amanda's cover as well.

"We couldn't, and it's a good thing too..." Amaro said as he stepped forward showing her an image on Amanda at the ambassador's house the night before his wife was raped "and there's more". They continued to show evidence of Amanda's illegal activities she performed for the underground gambling club, the unlawfully removing evidence from lockup and fixing a rape case.

Olivia could only purse her lips at the images she was shown. Amanda was in deep, and Olivia knew it needed to stop that instant. If the owners of that club were having Amanda go to such lengths, she knew that her life was at stake and that was something she would not let stand. It didn't matter what it would take, Olivia planned to pull Amanda. She'd keep the younger woman in witness protection if that was what it came down to, but she was done going back to that club. She told the guys to not warn her as she ushered them out, it would be easier to get Amanda to listen to her if she cornered her in the office.

"Liv, she's my partner I got to tell her we're on to her" Fin begged as he held onto the door "please..." his eyes were pleading her "wouldn't you want this if this was Amaro", reluctantly Olivia agreed.

* * *

Olivia and Fin met Amanda at a bar. Olivia could see clearly the pressure Amanda was under, and she couldn't say that it didn't hurt her to see her youngest detective in such a state. She let Fin do most of the talking, still not trusting herself to speak plainly with the blonde.

"Okay, I understand," Amanda said with a lowered gaze "but please, let me turn myself in tomorrow... I... I need to make arrangements for Frannie"

Olivia knew that Amanda wasn't telling the truth. Amanda planned to return to the operation and try to close it. It would be what she would do if Olivia was in Amanda's shoes, but Olivia was against this. She was so close to blowing the whole situation and confronting Amanda then and there. Dragging the younger woman back to the station and well away from the gambling club and the dangerous people who ran it.

"Fine, but if you're not back by tomorrow morning, I'm bringing you in myself" Olivia's own words surprised herself. She didn't plan on letting Amanda walk out of that bar without them, but it was something in Amanda's eyes that stopped Olivia. It was the fierce burning determination to finish what she started. An intensity that wasn't a common sight, and Olivia knew nothing short of handcuffing the younger woman on the spot could stop her from finishing what she started.

As Olivia watched Amanda walk out the door, she prayed that she didn't just let her youngest detective march straight to her death.

* * *

That night was one of the longest Olivia had ever had. Every minute felt like an hour, and it seemed every second Olivia found herself regretting letting Amanda go. Not even holding Noah curbed the ever increasing anxiety growing in the pit of her stomach. Sleep was not an option for the elder woman. Every time she closed her eyes different images appeared, each worse than the last. After seeing Amanda dying for the third time, Olivia jumped on her laptop and threw herself into her work in hopes of pushing those horrible images to the back of her mind.

It was at 3:30 in the morning when Olivia's phone finally rang. "Benson?" she answered hiding the fear from her voice. She knew this would be the call. She would find out if Amanda was safe or... she didn't even want to finish the thought.

"Sergeant," Captain Davis' voice said from the other line "I'm sorry to wake you at such an odd hour, but there is some news that I felt could not wait"

"No it's alright I was up anyway, please what is it?" Olivia responded, wanting the news as fast as possible but at the same time wanting to stay in a limbo of ignorance.

"I am glad to report that the UC operation was a success. In thanks to no small part of your detective" the Captain of Vice said with a lighter tone. "I know you've been kept in the dark these last few days, and as a commander, I know how hard that is when one of your own people is involved. You'll be glad to know that once 1PP is done with Lieutenant Murphy and Rollins tomorrow morning, your detective will be returned back under your command"

"I am very relieved to hear that everything went down without a hitch," Olivia said as she could feel the stress melt from her body.

"For the most part yes, I have to report that Rollins did sustain a small injury on her left cheek. It looks worse then it is" Davis said honestly

"Did she at least get this injury looked at?" Olivia asked, knowing her detective would have refused treatment.

"Yes, Lieutenant Murphy made sure of it" Davis responded "In all, things couldn't have gone better. As a way of professional courtesy, I'm going to send all of the pertinent information regarding the operation to your office in the morning regarding your detective's involvement in this case. I know you'll be getting this eventually but the bureaucracy of the NYPD is slow moving, and like I've said I would have hated to have been in your position. Have a good night" and with that Davis hung up.

Olivia slowly placed her phone down. She was so relieved that Amanda was safe and the operation was over, but at the same time she was anxious to learn the gritty details of all that transpired. Even with the late night good news Olivia didn't sleep for the rest of the night.

As promised, the files Davis talked about was waiting on Olivia's desk as she walked into her office. The brunette gently set down her strong coffee as she picked up the folder and flipped through it as she sat in her chair. She ignored the rest of the daunting paperwork on her desk as she read the contents of the folder. She learned how Amanda was discovered by the illegal club as being a cop, what tests they made her do to prove her loyalty, the point in which Murphy brought her in on his operation, and what tasks she did for both the club and Vice.

To say that the SVU Sergeant had a headache after reading that file would be an understatement. "So many bad decisions," Olivia said as she rubbed her temples "where to even begin?" she added with a sigh. Olivia leaned forward, resting her elbows on the desk with her head in her hands. She blinked open her eyes after having shut them for a few minutes, the stress of the day and the lack of sleep creeping up on her.

"What's this?" Olivia asked aloud as she picked up a small flash drive that was laying next to her coffee. She knew it must have come with the file of Amanda's UC operation. Without hesitation, Olivia inserted the drive into her computer. A single video file popped up, clicking on it the elder woman watched as Amanda's face appeared. She was in the back room of the illegal club unbuttoning her blouse "you can't film this" her voice sounded unsure over the video. "You're not the ones calling the shots" Murphy's voice answered her.

Olivia let out a shaky breath once the whole video had finished playing. The elder woman was a good enough detective to put all the pieces together "she was going to sleep with him before she knew he was a cop". The realization was making Olivia's hands almost shake. Everything about Amanda's demeanor on the video showed that she didn't want to be there, she didn't want to touch the man calling her over. "If Murphy wasn't a cop, Amanda would have been raped," Olivia said allowed as she sank back into her chair.

She didn't know how exactly Murphy brought Amanda in on the UC operation before, and part of her almost wished she hadn't found out. The video only made Olivia feel guilty, guilty in the fact that Amanda was in such a position in the first place and she never knew. Her youngest detective would have let herself been raped and used by that underground club instead of trying to ask for help.

Olivia wasn't given much time to process what she had just seen completely before she began to hear Fin yelling at Amanda. She walks to the window to see Fin and Amaro surrounding her, asking the younger woman about the UC operation. It was at that moment that Olivia saw the bruise on Amanda's face, and the older woman couldn't deny that it looked painful.

Without waiting for another second, Olivia opened the door and called the younger woman to her office. As she watched Amanda leave the guys, she caught a glimpse of the pure worry etched on their faces. It was at that moment Olivia's emotions turned from worried to something else.

 **A/N: I have to admit that this chapter was super hard for me to write because this chapter, and this whole story for that matter, is being told from Olivia's perspective and I feel like I don't have a strong grasp on her character. I guess I just need more practice with her hehe. Thanks for reading.**


	2. Anger and Shock

**A/N: The writing in italics is Olivia reading from the notes left in Amanda's personnel file.**

Olivia watched as her youngest detective walked slowly towards her office. The elder woman could see the reluctance in Amanda's eyes. The blonde knew she messed up bad, and unlike the boys, Olivia knew the larger picture. The elder woman herself turned her back before Amanda entered the room, she wanted to try and reign in her emotions before talking to her and she couldn't risk speaking before the door was closed.

"Sergeant, I just want to say..." Amanda began to explain the moment she shut the door behind her.

"Save it" Olivia's harsh voice cut her off "you're going to listen to what I have to say" she added as she quickly turned around and gave her detective an angry glare. Olivia herself was surprised at how quickly her emotions went from worry and anxiety for Amanda to anger and resentment, even after knowing everything Amanda was put through during the UC operation.

"I honestly don't care about any excuses you have for yourself because they don't matter" Olivia began as she took a step forward and looked down on the younger woman. To Amanda's credit, she didn't flinch but simply stood still, ready to receive the verbal beating she knew she deserved. "The point is, you shouldn't have been in that club in the first place. None of this should have ever happened, but it did" Olivia continued, her eyes gazing over the dark bruise on Amanda's cheek.

The fact that Amanda was injured only fueled her anger further. None of this should have happened, Amanda's injury and Olivia's sleepless nights due to worry. Now the elder woman knew where her anger was coming from. Amanda caused everyone so much pain without a single care about others. It was this selfishness that the SVU Sergeant didn't want to deal with, she grew up with a selfish broken woman and she didn't need to be working with one now.

"Lieutenant Murphy may have gone to bat for you with 1PP but I won't. He may trust you and your skills, but you lost that with me. In fact, if we weren't so short staffed at the moment I would have you transferred within the day" Olivia said as she continued to berate the younger woman over her actions for the last few days. She could see the tears and the pain in Amanda's eyes, and for a moment she almost regretted her words, almost.

There was a larger truth behind them. Olivia had worked as an officer for years and she had seen many kinds of cops, morally good or bad, mediocre and superior. The mediocre cops can be taught, they mean well, but it was the morally corrupt cops that needed to be routed out. Trust is a must in their line of work, and when a cop's morals are put on the line, it isn't always clear who's back they have, and in the field that could cost lives.

Amanda may have passed Murphy's test and chose to give herself away before comprising the safety of a juror; but, it's only a matter of time before she screws up again and the next time she might not pass that test. The only fault of it all being Amanda's own weakness.

"I... I just want you to know..." Amanda took a shallow breath in an attempt to regain her composure. The younger woman didn't want to show how much those words had truly affected her "I will never stop trying to get back into your good graces" Amanda said honestly. Olivia showed no further emotion or acknowledgment of Amanda as the younger woman spoke and then left the room.

After Amanda left her office, Olivia sat back into her chair, suddenly exhausted from the day's events. "I'm going to need more coffee if I'm going to get through this horrible day with no sleep," she said as she shook her empty coffee cup from that morning, with a sigh she walked to get a new cup and returned to her chair. Olivia threw herself into her work once again to distance herself emotionally from the turmoil that was that UC operation.

Despite Olivia's words, the day flew by. Before the SVU Sergeant knew it, the day had ended and she was the only one left at the office. Tiredly she closed her laptop and rubbed her eyes. The only thing she wanted to do was cuddle up with her baby boy and take a long nap. As she thought about her son, her eyes caught the flash drive still sticking out of her computer. That single device brought back all of her negative emotions from that morning.

"Reckless" Olivia murmured disgruntledly "reckless, reckless, reckless" she repeated her anger growing with each word "what was she thinking?" she asked aloud as she got up and began to pace the room. "You know what, she wasn't thinking," she said in answering her own question "all she wanted to do was give in to her addiction, 'screw the consequences, screw my responsibility'" Olivia finished in a mock voice meant to be Amanda's.

At the end of her rant, Olivia stopped pacing and rested her hand on an old filing cabinet. A cabinet that had been in that room since it was Cragen's office, he kept every employee's personnel file there. "I should put this in her file myself, that way I can use plain language so her next boss will understand all of the circumstances involved," she said as she reached to open the old gray cabinet "if she even lasts much longer" Olivia added with a bitter tone.

The SVU Lieutenant knew that the UC operation was already in or in the process of being put in the blondes personnel file down at 1PP, a digital file that would follow her wherever she went. But Olivia felt like physically putting her own thoughts into the file that Cragen had, if only for the symbolic measure.

Olivia quickly looked through the various names on the dusty old files. The cabinet had not been opened since Cragen left. For starters, most of the files were already digitized and secondly when Olivia promoted she felt no need to look through the files of her team because she had already known them for years. She also felt a bit awkward about looking at their files as if it would be an invasion of their privacy, but that sentiment wasn't present in regards to Amanda, at least not in that moment.

Once Olivia had the file in her hands, she sat back at her desk and laid it open. At first glance, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Amanda had a spotless record as a uniformed officer down in Atlanta. She had a talent for laying honey traps, a talent that got her noticed by Deputy Chief Patton of SVU in the APD. She was pulled up to a detective by the chief and kept under his wing. It was at this point when Olivia paused "if she had it so good there, what happened?" she asked with no real compassion. "Why did she have to let her addiction ruin so much for her. At least my mom had an excuse for her addiction, a cause that was out of her control" the brunette said as she thought back to her mother's drinking problem and how it stemmed from her rape and pregnancy.

Olivia knew her mother's past was no excuse for the way she acted or how the woman treated her, but at least the Sergeant could understand the cause behind her actions. As Olivia saw it, Amanda had no reason to run to the card tables except to chase a thrill she couldn't find elsewhere. "She's throwing it all away for nothing" Olivia stated with a sense of finality before she resumed reading the file.

The file continued to talk about Amanda's successes as a detective until suddenly there was a mention at how she was becoming a distraction in the workplace. "That's code for she was sleeping with all the officers on the force" Olivia huffed out as she read that small complaint.

The elder woman couldn't say she was surprised, she saw the looks the blonde and her partner had shared in the past. The fact that Amaro is so protective of Amanda was proof enough, for her, that they had probably already slept together, but before then Olivia didn't think it was her business as long as it didn't interfere with their work. Now, Olivia wondered if she should keep them separate so Amanda couldn't take Amaro down with her.

Just after that page, Olivia started to see handwritten notes from Cragen. The brunette knew that her old Captain liked to add things into his files for his eyes only. She was surprised that he left these notes in there. She looked at the first one, it was a note he made to himself stating that his buddy from the APD had a good detective that was looking to get transferred and it would be doing him a favor if Cragen at least looked at her. "So she did have her hooks in someone to get this job" Olivia nearly smirked as she remembered what she asked Munch right after Amanda was hired.

Olivia moved on to the next one. It was about the interview itself. It stated that Cragen was very impressed with Amanda's performance and knowledge. " _I see great potential in her and would not be surprised to see her rise in the ranks quickly_ " she read a sentence aloud and nearly scoffed. "Yeah, bet she tried to sleep her way to the top in Atlanta but it didn't work, and it definitely wouldn't work here, not with Cragen," Olivia said in response to that statement but instantly felt regret. "Okay, stop. I'm being immature. She's done enough wrong without me adding things that I've never seen with my own eyes" she said as she tried to reign in her anger again, she hated having her emotions take hold of her like that.

She continued to read Cragen's notes that seemed to do nothing but praise Amanda until she stopped suddenly. She had to reread the sentence to make sure she had seen it right " _I have decided to hire detective Amanda Rollins on the spot. It only benefits my team to have her join, and in doing so I am also relieved that I can get her away from that dangerous situation back home with the revolting predator that is..._ " Olivia stopped reading as the note ended. She looked back through the file but the rest of it wasn't there.

"I'm definitely missing something," Olivia said getting frustrated at the situation. "What dangerous situation was Amanda in?" she wanted to know more than anything at that moment. The brunette wondered if she had gotten in gambling trouble back home, but she knew Cragen wouldn't have hired her if that was the case. She was also concerned with the phase 'revolting predator', she wanted to know what that meant and who was being referred.

Not willing to give up, Olivia stood and walked back over to the old filing cabinet. She opened the drawer and moved through all of the files hoping to find the missing note. She ended up finding two notes that fell from Amanda's file. The first one was a continuation of Captain Reynolds asking Cragen to give Amanda a chance. Olivia wasn't going to look at it at first, wanting to focus on the rest of that last sentence she was reading, but her eyes caught sight of two very troubling words that drew in her focus, " _sexual assault_ ".

Olivia was stunned for a moment, that was one phrase she wasn't expecting to find in Amanda's file, well technically Cragen's notes in her file. The elder woman read the remainder of that first note. It described how Amanda's old Captain had once found the Deputy Chief trying to put his hand down Amanda's blouse and then how a rumor started, by Patton himself, that the young blonde was sleeping with the man. Reynolds voiced his concerns that it was no condition a person should be working in but went on to explain that since Patton was so entrenched in the system, and the boy's club, he was nearly untouchable by Amanda's situation. She wasn't safe in Atlanta.

"Son of a bitch," Olivia said in anger "so since that Deputy Chief was in a position of power he got off scot free and Amanda was the one who needed to flee the state for her own safety". The SVU Sergeant was fuming once again, but this time it wasn't directed at Amanda it was directed at the man who had harassed her to the point she needed to run to New York City just to get away, and at the police force that let her down in Georgia.

"From the sound of this note, Amanda couldn't leave soon enough. Who knows how much longer until Patton would have tried to force himself on her" she said in disgust as she finally made it back to her chair to read the second note. She figured she would not be surprised by the rest after that last one, she was wrong.

Olivia began that last note by rereading the former statement on the previous page to completion " _I am also relieved that I can get her away from that dangerous situation back home with the revolting predator that is the Deputy Chief of Atlanta APD. My disdain for that man and the APD as a whole can never be greater. Never before have I seen a police department fail one of their own in such a spectacular way_ ". Olivia couldn't agree with Cragen more. The way the APD treated Amanda was wrong and she knew that one day the situation was going to bite that department in the butt, and when that day came she would have no problems in watching it burn.

" _I had to ask about the allegations of her sleeping with her Deputy Chief during the interview, and her answer caused me to come to the conclusion that more than just a 'simple' sexual harassment happened_ " Olivia continued to read the note, her breath hitching in her throat. " _She sat straight up and adamantly said that she would never willingly sleep with that man. Her conviction showed me that she was telling the truth, however, her body language and eyes when she said 'willingly' cause me to believe that the worst had already occurred_ "

Olivia sat in silence for several minutes after reading that last line. "The worst had already occurred" she repeated in a whisper. Her heart had dropped as she read those words and it only constricted tighter as she repeated them. "So she didn't make it out in time," the brunette said dejectedly as she could feel tears come to her eyes. Suddenly she felt extremely guilty about her earlier statements, she practically called the blonde a slut when in fact it was all due to Patton starting that rumor about her to cover up his own misdeeds.

"All these years she's lived without justice. Without anyone really knowing the truth of what happened." Olivia said dishearteningly, feeling pain on behalf of the younger woman. "How could she have done it, knowing that her rapist was still out there enjoying his high status in the APD" suddenly a thought hit Olivia like a ton of bricks. "She never even tried to deal," she said in realization. "She's pushed this down so far that the trauma finally started to manifest itself in the form of an addiction..." Olivia paused as she suddenly thought about the parallel she was drawing from earlier that day "just like my mother... she's using her addiction as a way to escape from what happened to her. It's her avoidance mechanism"

"I should have seen this..." Olivia said as she bit her lip "dammit, I should have seen this. There were so many signs, I've been doing this job for more than 15 years. She's just like my mother..." she sighed with a shaky breath. The SVU Sergeant was mentally beating herself up for never realizing the pattern Amanda was showing. "She reached out..." she thought instantly as she remembered one of the first cases she worked with the younger woman, "she told me about an assault that wasn't worth pursuing at the time... dammit she even said it was one of the reasons she left Atlanta. I should have seen that". Olivia rested her head in her hands as she felt the dizzying wave of guilt wash over her "she reached out but I ignored her because of my own issues with Elliot leaving. I never gave her a chance".

Olivia's emotions were starting to get out of control, and she could recognize that. She began to take deep breaths in order to clear her head and calm down. She knew that there was nothing she could do about the past, she could not stop Amanda from being raped, but she would try to change their interactions in the future. This thought brought her mind back to only a few hours ago, to when she yelled at the younger woman and said that she didn't trust or respect her. Olivia regretted those harsh words, especially given this recent discovery.

She thought about the video again, and it became even more tragic to Olivia. "Amanda was afraid in that video, but she was willing to get raped again to keep her job and to protect that juror from the illegal club owners. I don't want her in that situation again" Olivia said determined "I will not sit back and watch her ruin her life, she will not end up like my mother" she made a promise to herself and Amanda "I'm going to get her help, because right now she's not coping well with what was done to her, and I'm not going to let that man erase her future"

 **A/N: I wonder if I became too preachy in the end lol :) I hope I didn't make Olivia too mean and bitchy in the first part when she was basically calling Amanda a slut. She was meant to be upset and in a very angry place emotionally. Thanks to everyone who left a review on the first chapter, it really made me smile :) I realized how much I missed writing these last few weeks.**


	3. Compassion

**A/N: So, Spring break is over and I started a new quarter. I was aiming to have this finished before Monday, but life doesn't always, or more like rarely, works out the way we've planned. This is going to be the last chapter of this story :)**

Olivia got to work earlier than usual the day after she read through Amanda's file. She could not wait to speak with her youngest detective about the revelations she had learned. Olivia's guilt had been chewing her up the previous night, making sleep hard to find. Images of Amanda in that illegal club being forced to service Lieutenant Murphy along with her old Deputy Chief kept assaulting her mind. The elder woman knew she would not find peace until she helped Amanda find hers.

Unsurprisingly, Olivia saw Amanda enter the squad room thirty minutes earlier than she was scheduled. A clear departure from her usual tardiness. The younger woman was putting her best foot forward in trying to regain Olivia's trust.

The SVU Sergeant drew in a deep breath before she walked to her open office door and called Amanda in. She wanted to talk with her before the guys came, if only to ensure that they wouldn't be interrupted. Olivia knew from personal experience how hard it was to come to terms with your own assault, and the fact that Amanda had been hiding it for all these years was going to make her confronting it only that much more difficult.

Inside the squad room, Amanda visually jumped when she heard her boss call her name, the verbal beating she had received from the elder woman the day before still fresh in her mind. The last thing she wanted to do was be in the same room alone as the brunette. As Amanda made her way to the office, her chest became tighter. She remembered her Sergeant's words in wanting to transfer her on the spot. Now she feared that the elder woman had found someone to take her place and she was about to be told to pack her things.

When Amanda reached the office, she tried to stay in the doorway. "Amanda, please come in and shut the door," Olivia said politely. She could see the hesitation in her youngest detective's movements and she regretted being the cause of that apprehension. Olivia watched as Amanda entered the room and shut the door behind her, but the younger woman remained standing near the door. Olivia gave a soft sigh "take a seat, Amanda, I need to talk with you" she could see the anxiety in Amanda rise at her words. The bruise on her cheek looking more prominent than the day before, even with makeup added to diminish it.

Amanda took a seat in front of Olivia's desk. The elder woman watched as the young blonde sat straight up in her chair, gathering the courage to speak "Sergeant, I'm sorry for my behavior the last few weeks, there is no excuse, and I am ready to accept any punishment you deem fit".

Olivia nodded her head solemnly. She understood why Amanda would think she was being called in to be reprimanded again. The elder woman kept her neutral face as she rose from her chair and walked to the front of the desk. Gently, she rested her butt on the large wooden surface before Amanda. Olivia wanted to make this seem as non-formal and as least threatening as possible for her detective. "Amanda, I have to admit I was furious yesterday, and some parts of me still are, about you going behind my back and this squad's back to gamble. You've risked everything you have spent your life trying to achieve. None of this would have happened if you only asked for help, if you came to us. I put the blame for your actions on your shoulders alone and contributed it to your weakness of character"

Amanda didn't say a word but stayed sitting up straight. These words stung the younger woman harder than her bruise cheek did. Amanda remembered when she had idolized Benson before she came to New York. She had studied most of her cases and followed her career. But hearing these words from the elder woman had hurt, it's a difficult thing to be told by your idol that you're weak. To know that you've let them down. Regardless, she was determined to stay stoic, no matter what Olivia was going to say to her. Amanda wasn't going to embarrass herself further in front of her Sergeant.

"But, last night I came across some information that caused me to reevaluate the whole situation. I think I have a better understanding of what has been going on with you, and what set you off on this self-destructive path" Olivia said with more compassion in her voice.

The confusion on Amanda's face was self-evident "I don't understand, you found some information about why I went back to gambling? I didn't think that would actually matter, it was after that mess with my old GA sponsor. I couldn't go back to Gamblers Anonymous after that and I slipped not long after."

Olivia nodded her head. It made sense that it was that case that caused Amanda to relapse. To find out that your sobriety sponsor, who was also your lover, was cheating on you with a friend and that same friend tried to use you to get away with murder; those circumstances would send any sane person reeling. Honestly, the elder woman was surprised that she didn't put two and two together earlier, another example at how she had ignored the troubles of her youngest detective even though they would have been obvious if she had only taken the time to look. "I'm not talking about that, I'm speaking about something much further back" Olivia clarified

"Much... further..." Amanda repeated with a shaky voice. There were many things in Amanda's past that she never wanted her colleagues to know about. Her life back in Georgia had left many stains on her soul. She feared what it was Olivia had discovered.

"I was angry yesterday, angry enough to write down what happened in the copy of your personnel file that I have" Olivia could see the trepidation on Amanda's face. "I discovered what happened between you and your former Deputy Chief..." Olivia stopped as she saw all the color drain from Amanda's face. If the younger woman wasn't already sitting, she feared that the blonde would have fainted on the spot. "Amanda, it's alright, what happened..."

"Nothing happened!" Amanda said forcefully as she stood from her seat fighting to keep her balance on her unsteady feet "Patton lied, I wouldn't sleep with him, I didn't sleep with him to get promoted. Please... those were rumors" she said quickly as her heart pounded in her chest. This was her worst fear, she had wanted to leave Patton and everything he had done to her back in Georgia, but now Olivia had found out.

"Amanda, please calm down. I know it's a lie, and I'm not judging you based on the rumors that were spread about you" Olivia tried to explain the situation to help decrease Amanda's agitated state. "I found out about Patton sexually harassing you..." again Olivia was cut off

"No, you're wrong! That's not in my file, I never reported such a thing. Patton..." she faltered, Amanda hated saying that man's name. It sent chills down her spine just thinking about him. "Patton..." she tried to continue, she had to take a deep breath "I... I would never do anything with that man. We didn't do anything like that. Nothing happened" she finished stronger.

Olivia could see through the lie Amanda was telling, she could tell it was something the younger woman wanted to believe herself. "Amanda, it wasn't directly in your personnel file but in the notes Cragen left in them" she explained as she stood to meet Amanda in a non-threatening manner. Amanda was visually stunned and took a step back from Olivia. "Notes? Cragen had... he knew... how?" words came stuttering out of Amanda's mouth without her consent. "No one knew what happened... I never told... it didn't happen" she continued to say with unfocused eyes as if she was lost in the storm of her own thoughts, she had become oblivious to the world around her. Amanda was desperately trying to figure out how Cragen would have even heard about her interactions with Patton, let alone knowing enough to put his own notes on the subject in her file.

Olivia could see the pain on Amanda's face, the betrayal. She wanted to help ease the nerves and fears of her youngest detective so much that she made a rookie mistake. She touched Amanda's arm without the blonde realizing. The sudden and unexpected contact caused Amanda to jump and quickly turn her head toward Olivia who had gotten so close to her without her noticing. The surprise caused her to lose her balance and fall onto the couch just below the window facing the squad room. Olivia watched as Amanda's breathing became erratic and how the younger woman fumbled in trying to get away.

"Amanda, I'm sorry," Olivia said quickly as she realized what she had done to the younger woman "you're okay, I'm not going to hurt you. You're safe in here, alright" she said as she remained where she was but kneeled down so she could be on the same eye level as the frightened woman.

As Amanda seemed to register her surroundings and the words coming from Olivia's mouth her anger grew "don't you dare treat me like a victim. I'm not!" she yelled as she pushed herself from the couch and walked to the far corner of the room, making sure there was plenty of distance between her and Olivia. "You don't know anything that happened, so don't even pretend to have this new-found sympathy," Amanda said harshly as she wrapped her arms around her front trying to appear confident, but only making herself look more vulnerable by putting up a physical barrier between herself and Olivia.

"It was your old Captain, Amanda, Captain Reynolds. He told Cragen about what was happening with Patton. He wanted to help you get away from him, even if you didn't fully disclose what was happening. He told Cragen how Patton had been sexually harassing you, how he even caught him trying to put his hand down your shirt..." Olivia was trying to explain but stopped as she saw the tears falling down Amanda's face.

"Stop... please I don't want to hear this" Amanda said as she took a deep breath "I tried to leave this all behind me, I thought... I thought it could just go away. So, please stop. I can't be thought of as that kind of person" she finished with her eyes cast down to the floor. Her bangs hanging across her face, doing a poor job of hiding the free-flowing tears.

"What kind of person, Amanda?" Olivia said softly as she finally stood from her kneeling position, she moved deliberately so as to not startle Amanda again "A victim of rape. You shouldn't be ashamed of that, and you know a trauma like that doesn't just go away."

"No" Amanda let out a sob "why do you say that? I never said that. I never said anything about rape. Not to Reynolds, not to Cragen, not out loud. Never have those words been put together in regards to me, so why do you say that?"

Olivia stopped to think about how to best answer her question. "When you've been doing this job for a long time, you start to pick up things. Things that other people may try to keep hidden"

"But you've never said anything about this before. Don't pretend that you had a sixth sense about this. You never put it together before" Amanda accused her, not liking her answer.

"I'm talking about Cragen" Amanda finally made eye contact with Olivia again as she said this "he... he was something else. He had a level of compassion in him that was unrivaled and a gift of insight that could be quite creepy sometimes" Olivia gave a slight smile to lighten the mood. "I see the signs with hindsight, with everything I know now, it makes sense. But Cragen knew from day one, but he never treated you any different for it. He didn't care then and I don't think of any worse of you now because of it either. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of, you should feel no guilt about this."

"You don't know what happened," Amanda said again as she leaned against the wall, she was inching her way toward the interrogation room door. Her body still looking for a possible exit if she needed one.

"Then tell me what happened, because it certainly wasn't nothing, as you say it was, because your actions speak strongly against that fact," Olivia said in earnest trying to get Amanda to talk to her.

"I... it wasn't rape. I let him do it" Amanda said in defeat and shame "I let him do it" she repeated

Olivia watched with a broken heart at how much pain was said with those words. Amanda believed them, but Olivia could tell there was more. "Did you want to sleep with him Amanda?" she questioned "was it your idea, your choice?"

"I never wanted that, but... my sister was in trouble and Patton was holding it over my head. I agreed to sleep with him to save my sister, but... but he was too rough..." Olivia nodded as Amanda spoke. The younger woman paused as she seemed to be reliving the encounter in her mind. The elder woman wanted to speak up but she feared that if she did Amanda would never finish her story. "I wanted him to slow down. That's all, but he didn't stop. So… I panicked and tried to get up, but he pinned me down and said I had to finish what I started. He would get what he wanted and no one would believe me anyway" Amanda wiped the tears from her eyes "I gave up, Olivia, I let him do what he wanted. It was my fault"

"No, Amanda, that wasn't your fault. He raped you. He pressured you into sex and when you changed your mind he forced you anyway. Nothing about that was consensual, nothing about that was right" Olivia said with her own tears falling from her eyes "what you went through should have never happened, but it did and ever since you have been on a self-destructive path because you've been pushing it down for years" the elder woman explained as she cautiously approached Amanda "your pain manifested itself into your gambling addiction, it's alright to need help with it. Please, Amanda, take my help. Come with me to see my therapist for a referral..."

"No" Amanda cut her off "I don't want to see a shrink, Olivia. The situation never happened on record so please just forget about it and don't treat me like a victim that needs your pity"

"Screw the record" Olivia fired back being less gentle this time "Amanda, I can see your pain and it is very real. But no, I do not pity you, I care about you, and you're right you are not a victim, but a survivor. It takes strength, more strength then I can understand to continue like you have been without support. I have no idea how you've kept in this unit... kept being an officer after that, but you're not alone anymore. You don't have to be constantly strong, I have your back, and I'm not going to sit around and let you destroy yourself because of the actions of someone else. Take it from someone who has fought against her own personal demon. I had to fight to get away from what Lewis did to me, not just physically but emotionally a well. It was the hardest thing that I've ever done, and I still fight him every now and again, but the freedom you feel when you can admit what has happened to you and face it head on... it can be liberating"

Amanda was speechless at Olivia's words. She never had that much support from someone before, and she especially never expected it to come from the woman she thought hated her. The younger woman was overwhelmed with emotion "I... its..." Amanda was having trouble speaking. "It hurts" she finally admitted "and I'm so scared, I just wanted to pretend that it never happened, and at some point, I think I started to believe it; but in turn, it became all my fault... Liv, I don't think I can do this. It's been so long..."

"It's never too late to allow someone to help you. I'm going to get you help, with therapy and in finding a new GA meeting to join, I'll even accompany you to the meetings if you want" Olivia said as she took another step closer to Amanda and this time the younger woman didn't back away.

"Why?" Amanda asked not used to letting others take care of her, there was always an ulterior motive when people tried to help her in the past. She had become jaded when it came to trusting others.

"Because I know what it's like to deal with the pain of surviving on your own, and I should have recognized your pain long before this..." Olivia said as she gently placed her hands onto Amanda's shoulders. When the younger woman didn't pull away she pulled her in for a gentle hug "can you forgive me?"

Amanda wasn't used to hugs but she leaned into her boss "only if you can forgive me" she replied as she tightened the hug. For the first time in her life, Amanda was going to try to let someone in, to finally break down the walls she had built years ago, and trust Olivia to help ease her pain.

 **A/N: Well that was the end :) I hope you guys enjoyed this story and that I didn't make it too mushy at the end with that hug lol. Thanks so much for the reviews and feedback :) they really do make my day when I read them. I already know the next multi-chapter story I want to write, but first I'm going to do a more relaxed and fluffy one shot to get away from the drama for a bit lol.**


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